A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.